insomnia...

on vacation.
sigh. what's with that?
beloved and I are having a ridiculously wonderful time just unwinding from a very busy program year...

but even so, a beautiful earth mother woman friend of mine lies in the hospital...in recovery from a hip disarticulation (removal of her entire leg at the hip--like how you used to take off your barbie doll legs?) due to a giant recurrence of cancer.

going in, she and her beloved were happy that they wouldn't need to take any of her pelvis, which meant that she would be able to sit straight rather than slump...
but during surgery, the doctor needed to take that important pelvis bone because the tumour in her prosethetic femur was so high up and close to the pelvis that....well, the whole point was to get rid of the damn cancer.

hasn't she been through enough?

taking her pelvis means that some of her other organs will be compromised in the long run...I don't need to whine about that....because she sure isn't.

her mantra is, I can't be a mother from the grave, but I can be a mother with one leg.

she has a lot of recovery and rehab in front of her. I can't get her out of my prayers and my mind...even while I relax...

prayers for dear A..
for her husband, her children, her doggie companions...
oh sweet Jesus,
you know the pain of suffering,
of physical anguish,
and you bore it with grace and hope...
you have already given A unbelievable grace and determinedness (is that a word?) and relentless hope.
be with her on this journey...
surround her with strength...
please, please, please,
bless her with an uneventful recovery and rehab...
she has been dished so many blows...
and yet she keeps getting back up with fierce resolve
because that is who you made her to be.
please...grace her with an army of healing angels to take care of her....
amen, amen, amen.

really heavy heart.....

my heart is so heavy the last two days...
at first, I just thought it was the wind that got knocked out of me yesterday morning when I very clumsily tripped and fell, skinning knees and hands and bruising legs while walking the dogs...
but I think it is more.

I am feel restless. so, so, restless and disconnected.

and then there are the dearest ones of congregation...
five week old baby girl facing heart surgery,
saint of the church facing third brain surgery in two months...
and of course
dear mother one, facing amputation of leg but still not clear if cancer is other places....

my heart, my energy, my God-spirit-love is with them....

so maybe that is my heavy heart. along with a couple of other things, unbloggable.

Maybe these are boundary issues, but I do love my peeps so much. I don't really care if it is "professional" or not to carry them with me in my heart and thoughts wherever I go...

I still live life. We are hanging pictures and planting and walking dogs and all else...

but my heart is heavy.
as it should be, or even shouldn't be, but the reality is, is that it just is heavy...
and prayers ascending, as some revgals say,
prayers ascending....
amen.

glorious evening...

tonight is one of those evenings in New England
that makes worth living here in January.
it is glorious, gorgeous, and humbling in its stunning beauty and grace.
everything is blooming--rhodendrons, azaleas, lilacs, irises, snowflake and snowball bushes, dogwoods, star jasmines...
there is a slight cool breeze, birds chirping....
it is a perfect evening to walk dogs slowly in the neighborhood
with your flip flops, sweatshirt and shorts...
breathing in the tasty fragrance,
spying a robin with a worm flying to her nest to share with her babies,
feeling a little lightheaded from the beer you shared with your beloved,
your flushed cheeks, happy eyes,
gorgeous sunset kissed tops of buildings...
and of course,
finally, one settled displaced kitty basking in the window...
ahhh...
it is clearly a perfect juicy moment in time...
in spite of your heart
with someone dear to you
who is facing amputation of her entire leg, possibly pelvis,
in order to enjoy more evenings like this,
with her beloved,
children,
and two new puppies...
because three months ago,
and three months before that,
and three months before those,
and more,
there was no more cancer...
until last Friday.

she will be fine, she says,
and she will--there is no doubt...
but you hate what is ahead for her and her family,
in spite of it..
but as she says, what choice?
"I can keep two legs, and get my affairs in order..
or...I can have one leg, and dream and hope of a longer future with those I love"
She says,
"Things don't happen for a reason. This is no reason. How vindictive would that be? Sometimes there is just shit."

God's strong spirit be with you, you say to her.
She says, "God is always with me. I am so blessed."

As I said,
it is a glorious, gorgeous, unbelievably humbling beautiful evening in new england.
And I pray for the
openess to really get it.

Amen.

Walking for Hunger

Every first Sunday in May, Boston is host to a twenty mile walk in order to raise funding for Project Bread, which sources food banks and shelters in Massachusetts with food and dollars for their programs. There has been a significant upsurge in usage of food banks and community meals, in these economic times.

So, although my congregation is supportive of the event, and even is the half-way check point of the walk, we typically don't have but more than two or three walkers. Our biggest fundraising walker--who usually raises at least 2,000 in pledges, was unable to participate because of a foot injury.

I was not going to let this go. So, I shamelessly canvassed the congregation to support "Team Eliot" by sending emails from our listserve. If no one could walk, then I think that supporting it was essential. They didn't dissapoint! And, four other walkers joined me--although only two of us walked together.

We started downtown at the Boston Common, around 7:30 a.m. and got to Eliot right before church started. (ten miles) We had a great time talking, and my walking buddy also snagged a slice of pizza in Newton Centre, just sitting out on the sidewalk in front of Bill's Pizza, hot and juicy. Half-way up the block, we heard someone saying $2! $2! What we thought was such a generous gesture of support for walkers, was actually lunch being sold outside!

At Eliot, we stopped in and said hello. My walking buddy then went back up Centre Street to visit with a friend of hers who was volunteering for the event. Most people walk about half of the walk. It's the solidarity that counts.

I hung out a while, at church, and then thought to myself, hey, the first ten miles walking was pretty manageable. I feel pretty good. So, I decided to walk the rest of the walk.

Oh my. I supposed if I had treated it like a leisurely stroll along the Charles river, and stopped to enjoy the view, eat lunch, etc., my legs and feet wouldn't have turned to jelly by mile 16. But no, I just wanted to get the thing over, and powered to the finish before 1:00 pm. I averaged 4 miles/hour--which I think is good for walking.

Wow. By the time I made it to the T, and my beloved picked me up at my home station, I could barely walk at any pace! My knees felt like they would give out, my hips were sore, and I learned that there are muscles that I have never used in the front of my quads. All I can say is that I am very grateful for Advil, and for our hot tub.

However, as I pushed myself to finish, in spite of being miserable, and not sure if I could really finish, I kept thinking of all the people in the world who have to walk at least ten miles to get safe drinking water--daily--(just google Water for People) I thought, this is really important. I am walking--with people cheering, offering snacks, fruit, and water. Many people walk--just for survival. I may not know what that is like...but at least my feet and body have had the experience of walking twenty miles. At least I know what that part feels like. It is a helluva distance--to go to GET water.

So. I am glad that I made myself do this.
There are so many in our world that live so much closer to the earth and to survival...whether in cities, or in the deserts of another continent. It is just good to be reminded of that in a visceral way--and to continue to chip at doing my part with the riches I have to offer.

Amen.

my own little preacher party

usually,
when I preach, I try to participate in the RevGalBlogPal's preacher party.
thing is,
my goal is to finish today, because tomorrow is a. supposed to be glorious, and b. we have great seats at the 4:00 Sox game, against the Yankees.
I love afternoon games.

However, I am only 233 words in...and want to finish, at least the first draft, by 5:00. It is now 3:30. I believe this is doable. If I would quit checking my email and facebook and stuff.

I am working with the lectionary text from Luke and then one verse on the Great Commission. It is What if Everybody Came Sunday--I am cracking up here, because I feel certain that we may have lower attendance than usual! I have had a lot of emails from folks saying, "we are so sorry, we can't come, we hate to miss it..."
I am also cracking myself up here because I don't really have anything special planned except I got a really yummy nummmy cake from a real bakery--not Costco!

My title is "Why does it Matter?" and basically I am asking all of us, myself included, "why does church matter? why does God matter to you? why does being a Christian matter?" I think it is important that we ask ourselves these questions...especially when we get too comfortable. so, basically, I am going to testify tomorrow....and see what happens.

off to get another diet coke from downstairs, and back at it.

what are you doing right now? procrastinating anything...or enjoying some glorious weather????

Good Friday..or God's Friday....

or...Karla's Friday, today?

In spite of being a New England congregational-UCC church, we do observe Holy Week each evening of this week, but not as much as I was used to as a child. However, I know culture has changed, as well. In any case, last night we had a moving quasi-tenebrae service, which involved foot washing, communion, diminishing and extinguishing of all of the lights.
quite moving...

and this evening, we will have a reflective meditation service in our chapel, led by our seminary intern.

today, however, I pray to keep God in this holies of Fridays. I will go to class this morning, as usual...and pick up round the house, do errands, stuff easter eggs for the hunt on Sunday, begin working on my sermon and the service for the 26 of April...and...maybe plant some pansies in front of the church--early on Easter or tomorrow.

in all of this...
dear God...
help my heart keep watch with you..
help my thoughts and mind be open to how
I might be moved closer to you..
so I might better be your servant.

amen. amen. amen.

The Donkey

The Donkey

When fishes flew and forests walked

And figs grew upon thorn,

Some moment when the moon was blood

Then surely I was born;

With monstrous head and sickening cry

And ears like errant wings,

The devil's walking parody

On all four-footed things.

The tattered outlaw of the earth,

Of ancient crooked will;

Starve, scourge, deride me:
I am dumb,
I keep my secret still.

Fools! For I also had my hour;

One far fierce hour and sweet:

There was a shout about my ears,

And palms before my feet.


G.K. Chesterton (1874–1936)

intention.

maybe I wrote about this before...but I have been focusing on "intention" in what I have been doing lately.

In my ministry, I am urging others to be intentional, about invitation, about community, about praying. Intention gives so much more room for the Spirit to work, I think.

In me, too...being intentional is about being aware and mindful more than I am.

It's a spiritual discipline I am working on embracing more fully.

christmas eve day!

this is one of my most favorite days of the year. growing up, my family would go to the drugstore to eat cheeseburgers and fries and cokes at noon. we are going to do this today--b and I--in harvard square. (veggie cheeseburger, for me though).

I got up early and went to the grocery, and got all kinds of stuff to make for tomorrow. I am even going to try Songbird's Crash Hot Potatos, since no one volunteered for mashed potatoes (which I can take or leave) but I feel certain will miss the good old potatoe if there aren't any. Don't you just love the name of them? "Crash Hot Potato"? It is fun to say out loud.

so, now I need to get on the stick and write my pastoral prayer (unless someone wants to share theirs) and the welcome for tonight, and practise my story a little more.

last night I tried to make lefse. I will write more about that later, but imagine my dissappointment when my brand new lefse grill (gift from dad, stepmom, and twin sister) had a bummer of an electrical element. I made about six, and then had to just quit--since the griddle quit itself.

prayers for beautiful and deep and surprising worship this evening for all congregations...everywhere.
amen.

spiritual practise time...

So, I was speaking with someone the other day, who was listening well, and offering insight.
I know that I am at a place where I really need to take the time to discern, listen, and focus...and we were talking about that. I said, "wow, I really feel like I need to really be intentional about listening and praying about this...but I just get busy and forget about it until I sit and talk about it with someone like you...I used to be really good at this, journaling my heart out, taking that quiet time every day..."
Wise one said, "isn't that a little ironic and sad--that you, as a spiritual leader don't have time to be spiritual and listen to yourself?"

uh...oh....kay.

Guess who has some priorities mixed around???

So, I am wondering, do you have a daily spiritual practice of intention with God, and with year heart? Is it yoga/meditation? Journaling? walking slow? sitting in a chair and praying? Do tell. I am pretty certain my quiet time in the car while I drive to my office is not exactly cutting it for me right now--especially if I am trying to listen to NPR at the same time!

Time on Tuesday.

I find myself today in a lull. Sure, I have things to do. Probably some church growth things to read, visioning to envision, finish those bookmarks for the fall fair, count Sunday School offering, organize a living gift fair for Heifer project for December, make some pastoral calls (in person and via phone and email. it is 2008, you know.)
But all of it is not pressing up against me,
my attention isn't being demanded in this minute,
I have finished up my list for the day, had most of my meetings.
I check my calendar. Nope. nothing scheduled this afternoon. My early evening meeting is cancelled, and I just have Coordinating Council tonight.

I find that I have time.
How strange is this?
No one ever has time.

I sort of feel guilty about having a stash of time on my hands.
I wish I could give it away. My friend Jess could use some of this time.
If there was a way to "bank" time and give it away to people who need it, wouldn't that be great? I would still take the time I needed to be balanced and fulfilled and not overstretched....

but today I am bemused by this few free unscheduled hours.

I have time.
It is GORGEOUS outside.
This weather will soon sink into snow and dark and cold and winter.

I think I will put my time to good use...
and revel in the sunshine
and go for a long walk along the river...
and pray.

I am grateful, for this time.

rock solid grace.

So, like many of my other clergy friends, last weekend was a big one. First, on Friday, we hosted an ice cream social on the front lawn of our church, complete with live band, free ice cream, and balloons. The point was to be a presence in our neighborhood, as well as be a re-gathering time for our congregants--or a time to bring a new friend looking for a church home. I am happy to say that we had tons of people from the neighborhood, from young families from the pre-school we house, to senior citizens who saw the sign to a lovely group from a home for people with special needs and beyond. All we did was advertise for free in our local village paper, and I made a bunch of "Burma Shave" signs that were up all week. The signs seemed to do the trick, as a lot of people said that is how they found out.
I highly recommend putting signs up for any event that you want to attract the public to. But I digress.

Since the ice cream social took quite a bit of time, I was feeling less than prepared for my Sunday School Orientation the next morning. Yes, I had an agenda. Yes, I had a general idea of where it would all go. But I wasn't quite clear on how to pull it together with meaningful spiritual moments. But the Spirit was quite clear.

Secretly, I didn't expect many people to come. You can imagine my surprise and pleasure (and panic) when pretty much all of my teaching staff for the whole year showed up!

After coffee and fruit and all kinds of yummy breakfast pastries, people started to get settled around the tables. As they were being seated, I ran into my supply closet to look for stones so I could give one to everyone. All I could find was fake plastic jewels. I gave everyone a jeweled "rock" and said, just hang on to this for now. (At this point, I had no idea what I was going to do with them, but I figured I could improvise something.)

After doing a really fun community building activity, I introduced the curriculum, which is called "Rock Solid" and read the bible verse about the wise one building a home upon the rock. (get the jewels? rocks, right?) Then, I shared with them an entry from a friend's blog, (she and her family are part of our church family), entitled God Makes A House Call Well, of course the point of me sharing the blog entry is that Jess' daughter, Darby, is a wise spiritual angel and she is talking about rocks and God. Here is an excerpt (but really, read the whole entry!)

... I asked [Darby] how she thought that God might be like a rock. “Well, Mama,” she said, “You know how when you see a rock split open sometimes and it’s really beautiful inside? There’s crystals and colors and all kinds of stuff in the middle?”

I nodded, wondering where she might be taking this.

“Well,” she continued, “It’s just like that with God.”

She seemed perfectly satisfied with this, but she could see that I needed a little further explanation so she continued on. I sometimes wonder if she thinks, “Poor, Mama. She’s a little slow, isn’t she?” But if she does, she never shows it.

“You see, Mama, when you look at a rock you have to BELIEVE that it has all that beautiful stuff inside. You can’t see it, but you just KNOW that it’s there. Just like you know that God is there, INSIDE.”

So, you see, it was much more fitting that my wonderful, loving, beautiful teachers got colorful plastic jewels instead of grey stones....because they help children (and children help them) find the beautiful stuff of God inside of us.

Thanks, Darby.

And...thank you, dear wondrous Spirit of God.
Amen.

Visiting Gertrude

(St. Philips Church, Barbados)
(it's the only picture I could find. I know it is small!)

So, the other day, I was sitting in my office, working on a huge filing project. (o.k., so I haven't filed a thing in 18 months, what's the big deal, right?) and my phone rings.

It's the new activity director at the nursing home facility where we do a protestant communion service once a month. We don't have congregational ties to this place, but this service has evolved over time. Any way. The AD, whom I have never met, said that he had a resident that was asking to speak to a Priest, whoops, a Reverend, and could I visit her. Her name is Gertrude. Sure, I said. Could I come this afternoon? (Note: it was already "this afternoon") Of course, I said. I will be over in about 30 minutes. But I don't look much like a reverend today, I mention. (I am in hiking capris shorts and a silk funky tunic) He laughs. Doesn't matter, he says, and hangs up.

Dude, I think to myself, could ya give me any more information? I am wondering, is Gertrude dying? Is she expecting like, a Catholic Priest to do last rites? Is she agitated? Obviously, I am not going to find out until I get there. So, I dig around on the shelves and locate my tiny bible, pop it into my purse, and drive over to the nursing home, praying for awareness and presence and for Gertrude. When I arrive, I am directed to the memory care unit. When I pass through several locked doors, I am directed to a little living area, where several elders are sitting around a table, "watercoloring"--entailing a cup of watered down paint, and a coloring book page of flowers. Gertrude is sitting quietly, painting her hibiscus flowers a pepto-bismol shade of magenta.

"Ms. Gertrude?"
She looks up at me.
"I am Pastor Karla. I am the reverend. I am here to visit you."
"You are the reverend?" She smiles. "oh, how nice!"
"Gertrude, someone told me you wanted to have a visit with a pastor. Would you like to visit for a while with me?"
Gertrude is focused on her painting. "No," she says, "I don't think so."

So, I watch her for an eternity of seconds. Then I try to make some small talk. Not much luck. I try to get some information out of the staff person at the table, but she isn't very communicative. Obviously, since this is the memory care wing, I don't really expect Gertrude to remember that she was wanting a "reverend" but don't you think the staff might give me a clue?
"Gertrude, would you like me to come back another time?"
"No!"
"Well, I am going to pull up a chair here and watch you paint"
"That would be nice."

I ask her some questions and through the course of this, she tells me her church is St. Philip's parish in Barbados, and she proceeds to list all of the parishes of Barbados (11 in all) and repeats them several times. Then she starts to sing "Jesus Christ is Risen Today" and I sing with her. We sing it three times. She sang another hymn, but I didn't know it.

It is time for me to go, so I ask her if we can pray together. I ask her if I can hold her hands. She reaches out to me. So I hold Gertrude's hands and I pray for her, knowing nothing, but knowing that the Spirit knows it all. I finish, and say, do you want to say the Lord's Prayer together? She nods, but then instead of praying the Lord's Prayer, she begins to pray for me. In her dulcet west indian accent, she prays for blessings on my ministry, my soul, my family, my congregation. The words, you could tell, were called forth from deep within, words she had prayed over and over for her other pastors, for her children, for her friends, phrases that were familiar, in a candence of prayer that only a long time fervent prayer would have.

My heart caught.
It broke open.
I soaked in the balm of prayer in every pore of my skin and bones and muscles.
Breathing in, and out...listening to her repeated phrases over and over and over.
And then she said Amen, and so did I. Amen.

Instead of being the pastoral vistor,
I was visited.
By an angel named Gertrude.

Amen.

whooooooohhhhhh (exhale)

I am having terrible writer's block....the sermon this week is really not coming together, mostly because I keep avoiding it. I have spent the last hour "working" by browsing itunes and online shoe stores (no I didn't buy anything, that would be productive!).
What's the problem? Part of it is that I am preaching on Genesis 24, which is the birth of Esau and Jacob, the famous biblical twins. Rebekah, their mother gets a really bad rap from commentators and preachers, because a. Jacob is her favorite b. she devises a plan to for Jacob to get his father's blessing as the firstborn son. Esau, the oldest, is Isaac (father) fave.
But the context of Rebekah shows her to be hospitable, willing, daring, even, and with a close relationship with God. She is the first woman in Genesis to seek God out in prayer--in a lamenting prayer, at that, when her children are still in her womb, struggling, which must have caused her great discomfort. I don't really defend her deception, which isn't even the text I am preaching on. bllllleeeeehhhhh(that is a raspberry sound with my lips).
I am trying to just get all this out here, so I don't end up with all of this in my sermon which I will just have to edit out.
Writing is so messy......but I woudn't have it any other way.
Blessed be. Amen.

getting back into it....

ah, July.
I always feel so lazy in July, like everyday should be summer vacation. But, alas, it isn't for me....
I used to have that luxury when I was on a ten-month contract, as a college chaplain, as a teacher...and although I am grateful for the slow-down pace of New England congregations in the summer, with fewer meetings on my plate, and a little more time in the day, this is key time for planning, envisioning, scheming, dreaming, organizing, filing...
but I just want to read books and sip lemonade and do a little teeny bit of work. ;-)

My mom has been visiting since Friday. She will be here until next Wednesday, the 9th. I am so glad to have her here, in my home, spending time, laughing, talking, and entertaining her. She is a pretty easy guest, and I love my mom. She definitely has aged some since January; and I see her edges of the frailty of old age poking through her presence....she has chronic back and hip issues which limit her mobility somewhat, and she searches more often for the word or phrase or memory she is trying to articulate. I feel protective.

Well, off to work.
Enough procrastination, time to dive into my life.
Amen.

diary of a mom

If you have a child with autism, have a friend with autism, or just want to read an amazing journey of mom who chronicles her inner thoughts as she loves her precious daughter, who happens to have autism,
I highly recommend:
diary of a mom

It is one of the most moving blogs I have encountered.

my heart...

is in a post Easter slump.
How crazy is that?
It could be the black jelly beans I ate today...(sugar low?)
or just perhaps not taking enough time out to regroup.
The train is moving fast, but I just need to reflect and re-orient.

I can do that.
I just need to make it a priority.

Help me reorient, reprioritize, reflect, and renew.

Amen.

a Monday day.

So, Mondays are my day off.
Today, I allowed myself to sleep in, as I didn't sleep well in the night. I didn't get up until after 9!
Then, I cleaned the kitchen,
ate girl scout cookies and coffee for breakfast...
read a book about being a suicide survivor,
resisted the urge to check work email/do work...
walked Venus Las Vegas,
did an errand...
sketched,
thought about rolling out some tiles,
talked to God,
petted Lucky,
decided to read a novel,
then my beloved called because the red line train was stopped and could I come downtown and find her?
so, I did.
Got caught in traffic.
Found her at Tremont and Park.
Got lost going back,
so took the long way through Kendall Square (don't even ask how I ended up there)
Dropped beloved off at work,
Went to grocery store...
thought about exercising,
Made italian vegetable soup instead...and tuna salad for lunch tomorrow...
thought about doing some work,
breathed,
and blogged instead.

I need to remember that Sabbath is rest.
Just however that happens,
but the important thing is to
allow myself not to produce.
Not to create, if I don't feel like it...
but just be in my skin.
However that unfolds.

So, as unmonumentous as today has been,
however mundane it has been...
It has been a gift.

As the sun sinks behind the houses across the street..
and the shadowed branches of the leafless trees silhouette my windows,
this pause is just to say...
dear sweet One,
I am grateful for this day.
Truly.
Indeed.
Amen.

The feast of heaven.

so..
it has been a thoughtful week in ministry.
I coordinated the worship service last Sunday to include the participation of children, and it was a big hit. I was chafing a bit, because it was still a traditional service, and frankly too long for children. However, the parts the children did--acting out scripture, leading the Psalm, writing the prayer of thanksgiving was wonderful. I know the adults loved it, but the question is, what did the children experience? How did they feel?

Then, Tuesday, I celebrated monthly communion a the nursing home. The group this month was not as conversant as they can be...more of the people in their little worlds than usual. In any case, it was hard--it made me wonder, what is "age appropriate, developmentally relevant" worship for the nursing home population that I serve?


The best thing, though, is when I was serving communion, and I placed the host on one woman's tongue, and she looked at me and said, "What the hell is this?" and I stopped, and said, "Well, it's the bread of life" and she said, "it has absolutely no taste" to which I responded, "hmmm. Yes. you are right. It is supposed to be the feast of heaven, but I suppose this doesn't taste like it." She spit it out.
It was an honest, alive, real moment.
And,
it made me think.

God of the table,
Love at the feast,
Help me remember
the moment,
the honest truth,
and be faithful
in relevance,
respect,and practise.
Amen.

Sunday Morning

I got up early...
cleaned the kitchen, fed one dog and several cats...
checked my email, a couple of favorite blogs...
I really got up early to meditate...and then tweak the words on the paper written for the reflection this morning in worship.
I am tired, God...
and feel quite uninspired...it has been a juggle this past week...a houseguest since before Christmas..everybody else "off" and me not really "off" but trying to do it all...and January is going to be busy...and full of a lot of decisions--family or work...every weekend.
But for now, I will stop complaining...It's good to name my apprehensions...and to lay them at Your feet...because I know you won't forget or ignore them...and I might.
I pray for your grace and mercy to drape round my shoulders today...
I pray for your light to gently shine and touch us all...
and may these words of my mouth, and meditations of my heart
offer what needs to be offered today.
In your love, I rest and pray,
Amen.