gratitude...

I am grateful today...
for all your kind notes and wishes and prayers for Venus...
I am grateful today...
for the sweetness of understanding and compassion from you as I grieve and miss Bussy....
I am grateful today...
that Venus tumor is BENIGN (sp?)
I am grateful today...
for cool air, turning leaves, my tired but quiet soul...
I am grateful today...
for the 12 years that Bussy had here...living in Kentucky, North Carolina, and Boston..for his dear nature, for the way he cudddled up to Venus, for his tingly meow, for his wandering soul, the way he slept (the KING of snoozing and relaxing)and for his beauty...
I am grateful today...
for breath and breathing...
I am grateful today...
for Miriam who wants me to come over and knit with her....
I am grateful today...
for my home, my beloved, the animal friends who live with us...
I am grateful...
for the kindess of others,
and I am grateful that you, God, give me the courage to embrace that kindness.
I am indeed grateful.
Amen.

Venus is SO much better.

My little trooper love dog is doing so much better.
She is home from the hospital,
has effective pain management...
is getting stronger and sassier by the hour.
She even gave a few "barking" cheers when we watched the Sox game last night.
We won't have biopsy reports until later this week,
but it's o.k.
I am just glad to have her home,
and happy to just be with her.
Amen.

sigh.

so, I went to the hospital to see my Venus.
It was rough. She is such a gracious being, and wagged her tail when she saw me. She ate a treat. The ICU tech was helpful and great. But when she left Nini (Venus) and me alone for awhile, Venus laid down on her blanket, and I laid on the floor next to me....and she just whimpered the whole time. I have never heard anything like that come from her, ever. She was in so much pain.
Yes, it was a major surgery--the incision is huge (6 inches, at least).
It just broke my heart.
She looked at me as if to say, "what happened to me? why do I hurt so much? I am really miserable"
I was ready to cry with her, when Sarah (ICU tech) came into check on us.
She said that after the IV morphine drip, which stopped last night, I guess, she hasn't been given anything.
W.T.F?????
We wouldn't do that to a human, would we?
I begged her to ask the doctor to give her some tramadol, something to ease her pain.

I am going back to check on this in this evening.

I feel so guilty putting her through this, even though it was an informed decision that we thought was best. It is just killing me.

So, I did a little comfort care--I went to mcdonalds and ate two cheeseburgers. Mind you, I am a 98% vegetarian, so you know I am upset. I don't eat red meat AT ALL. But I heard that Micky D' burgers are mostly soy. Anyway, for me, it is ultimate comfort food from childhood.

Then, I got a manicure for some physical pampering and two lipsticks, because lipstick always fits.

But I don't feel better--and I know it didn't make Venus feel better either.
I probably should have gone with praying, first. I am so damn human sometimes. Forgive me Venus. Here is my prayer, which I breathing in and out, mantra style.

God be with Venus.
Ease her pain.
Help her heal.
Help her know we love her.
Amen.

sad. conflicted.

so my sweetie ni-ni (short for Venus) is sick.
but the biopsy is not clearly indicating carcinoma.
it isn't clearly indicating the tumor on her liver is benign.
instead, it indicates that something is wrong, but it could be anything from diabetes to hepatitis to pancreatic cancer or worse.
so. what to do?
if she had cancer, we wouldn't do surgery, because at 13 years, we believe palliative care would be best, especially because the doctor says that if it were carcinomic(is that a word?) they couldn't guarantee the surgery would get everything.

but now, this thing could be benign. the only thing holding us back from surgery is our fear of anasthesia (sp?) on older beings. Venus is 13...and healthy. We know that older people under anasthesia run the risk of "never being the same" afterwards. This was true for my beloved's mother...and for my grandmother, I think.

we think we are going to wait and do another ultrasound in a month. if things have changed, then we may have a better idea that it is cancer. if things haven't changed, we might do the surgery.

but now I am thinking...maybe we should schedule the surgery and take the chance.

she is so happy and lively and sweet and good and dear...we just want her to have the best life ever.

sigh.

waiting.

Yesterday, I spent the entire afternoon (four and half hours) at the Massachusetts Veterinary Referral Hospital. Not a real sexy name, right? I was taking Venus for a consultation with, get this, an Vet of Internal Medicine. Who knew? As we waited to be seen, I scanned the wall of fame of the thirty some doctors employed there. There were cardiologists, radiologists, orthopedists, emergency medicine specialists--This is a real hospital for animals. Since there are a multitude of animal members of my family, well, I am glad this place is just 15 minutes away. But I digress.

I hated taking Venus to this appointment. A couple of weeks ago she had a routine blood test to check her thyroid levels (she takes medicine for that). Her thyroid was fine, but her liver enzymes were up. Our wonderful, wonderful, best ever vetrinarian doctor suggested some more tests, to find out more information. I knew she was concerned because she described an elaborate series of tests if the first test didn't come up with much. This. is. not. good. We agreed to a bile acid test (whatever?) and x-rays. NO TUMORS OR GROWTHS that are visible by Xray. Whew!
However, the bile acid test revealed that definitely my angel dog has a malfunctioning liver. So, we were referred to the MVRH to get an ultrasound (better to see INSIDE the liver) and possible needle biopsy. My wonderful wonderful vet said that it could possibly be hepatitis (manageable) but cancer can't be ruled out (because of her age).

This is a dog who is happy and playful, and although 13, is very healthy.

So, Venus and I are waiting for the consult with the Internalist. She is at first nervous (hates those terazzo floors) but she settled in and took a nap. She is really cute right now because we got her shaved so she looks like a puppy or a dog-bear. The doc was great--she looked over the labs while sitting with Venus on the floor rubbing her belly (Venus' belly). She didn't think the liver numbers were that bad, so I was hopeful. She suggested the ultrasound.

They could do it , like then, well in a half an hour. I thought I would just talk to the doctor, and schedule the appointment for a later date. (dang, I don't have ANY reading material at all) So, I consented and signed a paper that estimated the cost for the day would $850 bucks, if they needed to do a biopsy, too. Gulp. Venus might need to get a paper route.

So, the short of what is a long story, is that indeed the ultrasound revealed a sizable tumor. Damn. They did the needle biopsy, and the results are back. But only the doctor can give them to me. I have called and left two messages.

It's 5:40.

No phone call yet.

Waiting. Still.