Wednesday, July 16, 2008

present moment, beautiful moment

I have been trying to be more attentive to the moment and aware of my breathing...and my thought processes.
I want to be more self-caring and less self-absorbed.
Self care is being conscious of how my choices are about loving and being present to what is truly nourishing and attentive to being whole, being connected to the Divine, to my raw, beautiful self...
Self absorbed about making choices that keep me in patterns of self doubt, numbness, or on the surface.
For example, it turns out that I have borderline high blood pressure and borderline high cholestral. Heart disease is rampant in my family, on both sides, so in some ways, this isn't a huge surprise. But I have choices--I can feel defeated by this, and go out and have pizza and a beer, or whatever, and let that clog up my arteries more, but I will feel comforted. But, that isn't self care. I am overdue on my mammogram. That isn't self-care, it is denial. My weird thought process is if I don't get one, or get my physical, or don't step on the scale, then nothing is wrong because I don't know if anything is wrong or not.
What I WANT to do is be more gentle, more open to what is nurturing and forgiving and honors the inner strength of my heart.
(however, I do admit that even writing this post could be construed as self-absorbed...)

I resonate with Paul, where he admits "that which I would not, that do I do"...thank God, that grace abounds, and that leaning into that grace can only be construed as self care.

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