Tuesday, April 10, 2007

accomplishment. august 15.07

I have spent the past two days studying microsoft office--Excel, Word, Outlook to take these crazy tests so I can TEMP at the big boy U. They sent me tutorials, which I discovered all the test questions are taken from, verbatim, so I just practised the each test a crazy number of times so I could remember how to do the tasks. I had spent a ton of time really learning each program, through Microsoft Office online, but that wasn't all that necessary. I just had to learn how to take the test.

Anyway, even though the task was not all that exciting, I do feel a sense of accomplishment. I believe that I passed them, and now I hope that I will get through whatever hoops else I need so that I can bring in some income....and make contacts. My love really wants me to work at the same institution as she does. That would be convenient...and fun, no doubt.

But I have to say...I keep surfing congregations here and I long for that experience again.to be a pastor...even though it is tough and hard....frustrating...it still is a good life. I pray for this to unfold for my life....I have the capacity to give more to this world than simply create spread sheets or type correspondence.

I can't believe how hard patience is for me. In a twisted way I just think I am entitled to the work of my dreams and hearts because I somehow have been faithful and dutiful. I don't like that about myself, to be sure...just being rawly honest about the grit of narcissism that is pretty icky. Help...me to own this better, Holy One....help me to breathe....to not envy or wish or feel sorry for myself....help me to treasure this part of this life.
I am not sure I know how to do that.
But I would like to...try...
and be useful and accomplished and loving and connected while I embrace these liminal days.
I pray for a big heart to be happy for others...
I pray for humility...and the openness to be taught....and loved.
What is that prayer....the serenity prayer?
I can't remember it exactly...but the gist of it is realizing that there things beyond my control and praying for the wisdom to know the difference.
I pray for wisdom. And patience. and magnitude.

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