Awareness in the village.

My dear friend, Jess, has an achingly beautiful blog dedicated to her family, and dedicated to awareness and advocacy around autism. It's a blog about being family, about the acute joy and pain of parenting, about living life fully, and reaching out and reaching in. Every post hits me in the heart. In a good, growing way(and I am not even a parent.) Anyway. She gave me permission to post her entry, Triage.

It's about helping and being a village and being aware and taking action. Please read it. Please. Then act. Share Billy and Katy and Scott's story.


Triage, by Jess Wilson
My friend, Scott called me yesterday. Whoa! Don’t just keep reading. Click on Scott’s name and read the story. Please. Pretty please. This is important, folks. This MATTERS. You click. Read the whole article. I’ll wait.

“I need help, Jess.”

Sometimes, life is a game of triage.

What matters most? What needs my attention most urgently? Who might literally die if I don’t take five minutes to get educated and HELP.

We fight for a better life for our children.

Scott and Katy are fighting for their child’s life.

We fight for awareness. We walk and hand out buttons and magnets and scream from the rooftops and we watch hours and hours of footage about autism. 1 in 144.

How many people do you know who know what SMA stands for? Yet it KILLS MORE BABIES THAN ANY OTHER GENETIC DISEASE.

We have big names. Bob and Suzanne Wright - love em or hate em, they know people. They know a LOT of people. With money. A LOT of money. And Influence. Yup, a LOT of influence. Jenny McCarthy - love her or hate her, she is VISIBLE. She’s on the cover of magazines. Mike Savage (I’m not giving you the choice on this one and I sure as hell ain’t linking you to him) - hate him, he talked about autism because autism is VISIBLE.

SMA isn’t sexy. It’s heartbreaking. It’s the stuff your worst nightmares are made of. It’s the stuff that no one wants to talk about because we can’t bear the pain of it. But Scott and Katy and so many parents like them live that pain every day.

We HAVE TO HELP. Children cannot die on our watch when they don’t have to. No one should have to live this way.

We are hurting.

They are dying.

Triage.

SMA has been chosen by the National Institute of Health to be a model for translational research because it is the closest to a treatment or cure out of 300 neurological disorders. Think about that. We are this close. This flippin close.

We are all connected. SMA genetic research in the “Genomic Modulation of Inherited Genetic Diseases” project may provide novel insights into potential ways to treat SMA and 40 plus similar diseases:

Tay-Sachs Sandhoff
Parkinsons
Alzheimers
Friedreich’s Ataxia
Spinocerebellar Ataxia Type 1
Spinocerebellar Ataxia Type 2/Episodic Ataxia Type 2
Spinocerebellar Ataxia Type 6/Spinocerebellar Ataxia Type 7
Deafness/Dystonia
Myotonic Dystrophy
Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy
Late Infantile Metachromatic Leukodystrophy
Late Infantile Neuronal Ceroid Lipofuscinosis
X-Linked Adreno-Leukodystrophy
Menkes
Types A and B Niemann-Pick Disease
Fragile X
Machado-Joseph
GM2A
Gaucher Disease
Sialidosis and Galactosialidosis
Infantile and Late-Onset forms of Neuronal Ceroid Lipofuscinosis
Classic Late Infantile Neuronal Ceroid Lipofuscinosis
You see Fragile X in there, right? I knew you wouldn’t miss that.

They need money. $1.3 million to be exact. They need to help fund incredibly promising gene therapy research.

If beautiful, delightful Billy were your child, you’d have called me too. You’d have called anyone and everyone you know who might be able to HELP. Please, pass this on to anyone who will read it.

It takes a village, friends. And the village that I want to be a part of, no the village that I KNOW I AM A PART OF, fights for its children. All of them.

HELP

pearls and diamonds and golden bracelets...in memoriam

so...yesterday (Sunday evening) my beloved's mother died.
it's a whole long story, but basically beloved's mom took a turn for the worse, and beloved tried oh so hard to get there in time, but didn't.

beloved's mother suffered from alzheimer's, and now she is free...she has her precious memory back, her stories, her words, her emotions, her self. that is worth an alleluia, indeed.

she was always dressed to the nines. heels, skirt, matching sweatsuits, and of course, pearls, diamonds, and gold bracelets, as many as could fit on her wrist. she loved her lipstick, especially. ever the lady, ever the lady, for as long as she could. even last winter, in spite of not having anything to put in it, she carried her pocketbook wherever she went, which was usually out for ice cream with a family member or friend.

she loved ice cream. she would eat ice cream for dinner, quite often. I mean, LOOOOOVED ice cream.
also liked soup and crab cakes.

a single mother, she supported her children in the 60's and 70's by running her own business. she had savvy, and finesse.

rest well, dear one,
be at peace,
be free,
be all of who you are whever you are now.
amen.

yellow balloons

Yesterday was six months to the date AND day that my 19 year old nephew committed suicide. I was thinking about his mother, my sister, all day...I knew she took the day off from work. I sent her messages, and called....
late last night she wrote me...and said that she spent time with one of Aric's dear friends...they went to the coffee shop he worked at, and had an "Aric Special" of three shots espresso, raspberry, chocolate, and vanilla syrup...and then to the cemetary, and then watched the slide show from the funeral. Later, a couple of guys from his band came by to see her...and then, late in the evening, she released yellow balloons with his birthdate and heavendate and messages of love tucked inside into the sky, declaring her love for her son forever.

She said it was an o.k. day.

I am so proud of my sister.

We miss you Aric. There are over 18,000 visits on your MySpace page. I think lots of people miss you.
We will all always love you.

present moment, beautiful moment

I have been trying to be more attentive to the moment and aware of my breathing...and my thought processes.
I want to be more self-caring and less self-absorbed.
Self care is being conscious of how my choices are about loving and being present to what is truly nourishing and attentive to being whole, being connected to the Divine, to my raw, beautiful self...
Self absorbed about making choices that keep me in patterns of self doubt, numbness, or on the surface.
For example, it turns out that I have borderline high blood pressure and borderline high cholestral. Heart disease is rampant in my family, on both sides, so in some ways, this isn't a huge surprise. But I have choices--I can feel defeated by this, and go out and have pizza and a beer, or whatever, and let that clog up my arteries more, but I will feel comforted. But, that isn't self care. I am overdue on my mammogram. That isn't self-care, it is denial. My weird thought process is if I don't get one, or get my physical, or don't step on the scale, then nothing is wrong because I don't know if anything is wrong or not.
What I WANT to do is be more gentle, more open to what is nurturing and forgiving and honors the inner strength of my heart.
(however, I do admit that even writing this post could be construed as self-absorbed...)

I resonate with Paul, where he admits "that which I would not, that do I do"...thank God, that grace abounds, and that leaning into that grace can only be construed as self care.
Amen.

whooooooohhhhhh (exhale)

I am having terrible writer's block....the sermon this week is really not coming together, mostly because I keep avoiding it. I have spent the last hour "working" by browsing itunes and online shoe stores (no I didn't buy anything, that would be productive!).
What's the problem? Part of it is that I am preaching on Genesis 24, which is the birth of Esau and Jacob, the famous biblical twins. Rebekah, their mother gets a really bad rap from commentators and preachers, because a. Jacob is her favorite b. she devises a plan to for Jacob to get his father's blessing as the firstborn son. Esau, the oldest, is Isaac (father) fave.
But the context of Rebekah shows her to be hospitable, willing, daring, even, and with a close relationship with God. She is the first woman in Genesis to seek God out in prayer--in a lamenting prayer, at that, when her children are still in her womb, struggling, which must have caused her great discomfort. I don't really defend her deception, which isn't even the text I am preaching on. bllllleeeeehhhhh(that is a raspberry sound with my lips).
I am trying to just get all this out here, so I don't end up with all of this in my sermon which I will just have to edit out.
Writing is so messy......but I woudn't have it any other way.
Blessed be. Amen.

so, uh...yeah...

so...yes, the economy is scarey. yes, we all need to be much more aggressive in how we use precious energy. yes, we should be saving every penny and not splurging...
but if you get something, oh say, like a "used" jacuzzi, and put it in your backyard, isn't that like, uh, recycling?
it's for a more healthy lifestyle, right?

getting back into it....

ah, July.
I always feel so lazy in July, like everyday should be summer vacation. But, alas, it isn't for me....
I used to have that luxury when I was on a ten-month contract, as a college chaplain, as a teacher...and although I am grateful for the slow-down pace of New England congregations in the summer, with fewer meetings on my plate, and a little more time in the day, this is key time for planning, envisioning, scheming, dreaming, organizing, filing...
but I just want to read books and sip lemonade and do a little teeny bit of work. ;-)

My mom has been visiting since Friday. She will be here until next Wednesday, the 9th. I am so glad to have her here, in my home, spending time, laughing, talking, and entertaining her. She is a pretty easy guest, and I love my mom. She definitely has aged some since January; and I see her edges of the frailty of old age poking through her presence....she has chronic back and hip issues which limit her mobility somewhat, and she searches more often for the word or phrase or memory she is trying to articulate. I feel protective.

Well, off to work.
Enough procrastination, time to dive into my life.
Amen.

in a quiet foggy morning....

I am first to the church today. It is 9:00--I have been here since 8:30. I like to get here just to be in the space where in less than hour will be filled with the energy, sorrows, laughter, lives, personalities, rushing racing of the congregation gathering for worship. The quiet is my anchor...my cord running to my balance and godplace inside of me. Grounding here for a few minutes...is a grace I can offer to myself.

Breathing in, I breath in the singing of the birds...
Breathing out, I release any tension to misty fog...
Breathing in, I breathe in the cool breeze gently caressing my cheek....
Breathing out, I open up my heart
to welcome more fully with Your grace, Your peace, Your love
to those who come to meet You today.
Amen.

RGBP Friday Five

Mother Laura writes for the FF

So in honor of summer, please share your own beachy memories, plans, and dreams with a "Beach Trip" Friday Five.

1. Ocean rocks, lake limps? Vice versa? Or "it's all beautiful in its own way"? Ocean rocks, waves, yup. I have great memories of lakes from my childhood, but I really love the vast expanse of the sea.

2. Year round beach living: Heaven...or the Other Place? I probably would enjoy it.
It's not something I yearn for, but I wouldn't pass it up. I would probably prefer mountains, but....

3. Any beach plans for this summer? Does going to Revere Beach count? The first public beach in America? To walk the dogs?

4. Best beach memory ever? Hmmm. The first time I saw the ocean was when I was in second or third grade. We drove to Oregon for a family reunion with my step-father's family and we all rented a giant beach house for a couple of days. My new cousins scared me about the undertow, but I was completely enamoured with the giant rocks and waves crashing and cooking out and it was grand.

5. Fantasy beach trip? Barbados, Figi, St. Lucia, Greece, or Portugal, in a private beach house.

Bonus: Surfing Safari by the Beach Boys.

egads! pepe le phew!!!!

So I was sleeping quite cozily and nicely until about 4:30 this morning, when the doggies, including toy poodles, began a barking frenzy. My beloved thought they just needed to go out. So out the back door they went.
However, the barking continued, even louder. Even our new dog, Fenway, who doesn't bark at ALL, found her voice this morning. What the heck was going on?
I decided to drag myself out of bed, since I figured we had awakened the entire neighborhood and thought I should start baking cookies or something to make amends, when I see my beloved out on the deck yelling and trying to shoo something out of the yard.
It was a big, fat, stinky, stinky, stinky skunk.
Now you need to understand, our backyard is an urban backyard...with fence all around, and bordering five other backyards. There is really no place this guy to go, except ballistic with his spray. I dragged the animals in, and of course, beloved, who says, "What, do they bite or something? I want it out of the yard!"

So, after things quiet down, I check from the basement window to look under the deck and he has burrowed in, for what I think is the entire day. I bang on the window, but that pretty much resulted in more lovely stink.

After dropping off my beloved at the train station, I got back home, and was putting some transplantings on the front porch, and I walked to the edge and saw something move under the hosta plant. Yup. Pepe le Phew. I snuck inside, and watched him waddle down the street a few houses, and into a neighbor's backyard.(this is a BIG skunk--the picture above is just an example, it isn't my skunk)

So, it is 8:30 a.m. and already one crisis arisen and averted for the day.
What else is to come?

happy pants bird on top of the evergreen tree!

Everyday,
Starting about 8:30, and lasting for about 20 minutes, the happiest grey bird comes to sing in our neighborhood. S/he sits on topmost peak of a very large, mature evergreen tree next door. I sit and watch this happy little singer as s/he offers a most beautiful concert of delightful, lovely, happy warbles.
I have no clue what kind of bird this is...(I looked up but couldn't identify) but I am so happy s/he chose this neighborhood in which to sing.
Reminds me of that cartoon, "I wanna singa, about the moona and the junah and the springa..."

when you rise horizontally....

I was listening to this story on NPR today, about women breaking stereotypes in male dominated culture of Karachi, Pakistan. One of the women interviewed is an architect, and college professor. She works for a land development organization that helps poor people dig their own sewer lines when the government won't help them. Working with government officials, at first was difficult. She notes that you can't go to them and say, "You do this, You do that" because sometimes the official doesn't have the power, and he will start to avoid you. Instead, her approach is, "We need your advice, please tell us what to do" and they are happy to have dicussion. She said, with any group, once you rise up horizontally you take every one with you. If you rise up vertically, you are alone.
If you rise up horizontally, you take everyone with you.

What a vision for the world, huh?

picture from pakistaniat.com/.../Abro-Art-Woman-Pakistan.jpg

weeds of noise!

My friend Jess, amazing writer, and wonderful blogger left a beautiful comment on another post, which contained this phrase:
"weeds of noise". What an image...and pulling out the weeds of noise so that the silence of beauty and abundance can deeply root and grow--well, it is a conscious undertaking.

I have been offered several garden images this week. Someone challenged me to stop weeding other people's garden and start tending to my own. That is something to chew on, too!

As for a real garden, I did plant two tomato plants, a pepper plant, and some catnip. They are coming along nicely.

heartfulness

At the suggestion of my teacher, I picked up a wonderful book of meditations by Jon Kabat-Zin, called "Arriving at your own Door: 108 Lessons in Mindfulness". The title itself is enough food for thought for a life time. More on that later.
For today, my lesson is "heartfulness. Kabat-Zin reminds us that in Asian languages, the word for mind and heart is the same. So, in being mindful, perhaps we should hear "heartfulness".
Living with heartfulness towards others is almost natural, for me. It is why I do what I do. It is my vocation, my passion...and certain call from God. I am not saying I always do it well, but I do think I get what it means.
Living with hearfulness towards myself isn't as easy.
I pray for presence and hearfulness today.
Amen.

long silence

The past six weeks have been incredibly busy for me, as my colleague had emergency heart surgery, (all is well, thank goodness) and for the past two weeks, our administrator has been out on medical leave as well.

So, holding down the fort has meant multitudes more emails, administrivia, keeping things going....and I just haven't felt like writing. Writing has felt more like a chore rather than something full. In fact, I haven't felt like doing much of anything--no knitting, no crocheting, not much reading, my clay work has suffered...On one level, I realize that I am tired after a very busy program year in the congregation.

However, I suspect that isn't the reason for my long silence. I have been doing some important inner work that has felt sacred, vulnerable, quiet, scarey, and cavernous.
My focus has been on quiet and breathing.
And yet, the words are yet unformed...
and sometimes the sighs are unfathomably deep.

I have found a spiritual teacher to offer direction and insight...and I pray for the courage to embrace being taught, challenged, and comforted around the most tender places of my heart.

Gracious Spirit...
sigh.
Amen

diary of a mom

If you have a child with autism, have a friend with autism, or just want to read an amazing journey of mom who chronicles her inner thoughts as she loves her precious daughter, who happens to have autism,
I highly recommend:
diary of a mom

It is one of the most moving blogs I have encountered.

Friday Five--Movin' Right Along....

So, Mother Laura at RGBP gives us this Friday Five...

1. How many times have you moved? When was the last time?
TWENTY TIMES--in my adult life. If I include childhood moves, 23. Oh my. But in my single days, I was always on the quest for a better apartment, etc. The last move was two years ago, from the South to New England.

2. What do you love and hate about moving?
I like nesting. I hate packing. 3.

Do you do it yourself or hire movers?
The last six moves have been with hired movers. One time they even packed everything. That was amazing.

4. Advice for surviving and thriving during a move?
Go lightly. Let go of stuff, but thank it for being part of your life. Pare down. And of course, say goodbye, and ask for blessing in the new space. And treat yourself to an iced tea, lemonade or glass of champagne--whichever does it for you!5.

Are you in the middle of any inner moves, if not outer ones?
Since I am in mid-life, uh....yeah.

the steadfast love...

...of the Lord never ceases...
God's mercies are new everyday...
they are new every morning,
new every morning...

I wake up singing this in my head almost every Sunday. It is very comforting.

Today, I pray for your mercy and guidance to lead me through this morning. I am feeling vulnerable...please help that vulnerable place be open to the blessings you share...
and
be present to your people today...
in worship, prayer, presence and song.
amen.

Aric slideshows...

These are slideshows that Aric's friends made...

oh Holy Stranger...

oh Holy Stranger,
You live on the edge of my sight,
the precipice of my heart,
standing surely in the threshold between my inner and outer world.

You do not beckon loudly.
You announce your invitation to listen
with echoes of patient silence,
breathing on the breeze that makes the trees outside my window tremble...
beating softly with the pulse of my heartbeat...
Waiting.

Lingering outside the doorway, I waste away precious minutes
reading a magazine, running errands, napping, sipping tea
your Shadow outlined in my mind...
Within my interior walls,
I languish, even though I know you are here...
I still choose my isolation as if were a security blanket,
but it is something I Know.

You, oh Holy Stranger,
Pose the threat of Life.
You, oh beautiful waiting One...
offer freedom, communion, and really, really hard work...
and if I invite You to step through
and speak to the deepest ground of my being,
I wonder,
will I listen?
Will I have the courage to see the Holy You?

Please, come in.
Speak to me.
Help me know You.
Amen.

standing among strangers....

so,
I am supposed to be up here in my office writing my sermon about driving in Boston, strangers, the public, and the road to Emmaus...
but after writing the intro, am thinking I need to read a little more to figure out how all this will tie together.
hope it does...
but also am thinking about my life as an artist,
and how it has virtually dried up this past year.
Yes, I have continued to get to the studio at least 3x a month, but with clay, you can't just do three days a month.
I miss it...and almost feel like a stranger to it...instead of thinking about it all of the time. I love thinking about it.
My skills have really lagged...I had such a wonderful foundation when I was throwing everyday a couple of years ago...and although all of that body memory will come back, what I need to do is practise.

Few people are clay prodigies!

Back to strangers, Jesus, and driving.

my heart...

is in a post Easter slump.
How crazy is that?
It could be the black jelly beans I ate today...(sugar low?)
or just perhaps not taking enough time out to regroup.
The train is moving fast, but I just need to reflect and re-orient.

I can do that.
I just need to make it a priority.

Help me reorient, reprioritize, reflect, and renew.

Amen.

All that is holy....

...today.
Lucy jumping on the bed to get a pet,
Dottie rubbing against my ankles while I type...
The wind whipping and whistling and blowing loudly, shaking everything...
The tiny birds nestled in the shrubs in my neighbor's yard...
The quiet house
My full heart
My random thoughts
and Your Presence
keeping me grounded and broken and whole.
Amen.

Friday Five: Time and Transitions

Over at RevGals, Mother Laura helps us adjust to and enjoy Daylight Savings Time and Liturgical transitions from Lent to Holy Week by offering this Friday Five about time and transitions....

1. If you could travel to any historical time period, which would it be, and why?
As a woman, I am not sure I would want to go anywhere back in time...I wouldn't mind going into fantasy time, like to "The Mists of Avalon" because of the mysticalness of it all.

2. What futuristic/science fiction development would you most like to see?
Definitely a robot that will clean my house from top to toe. We must be close to that, right?

3. Which do you enjoy more: remembering the past, or dreaming for the future?
I hope the cherishing of the past, the good, the bad, and the ugly helps me dream for the future, but I guess sometimes it just gives me a more realistic roadmap with which to chart the course. I am a real day by day kind of person...

4. What do you find most memorable about this year's Lent?
The evening we had eight confirmation boys participate in a bible study with our beloved elderfolk and other adults. We had a wonderful evening of getting to know each other and grappling with Luke 15: The Lost parables. It was dear and sweet and lively.

5. How will you spend your time during this upcoming Holy Week? What part do you look forward to most? I look forward to a peace vigil we are planning for Wednesday, marking the anniversary of the war in Iraq...and I look forward to all the services...and I feel certain what I will look forward to the most is a nap on Easter Sunday afternoon!

What if...

I heard about a church today that orders its liturgy around "A Time for..."

I love it.

What would it be like to have a liturgy that hung on:

A time for welcome
A time for peace
A time for friendship
A time for letting go, making amends
A time for reflection
A time for sorrow
A time for celebration
A time for risk
A time for belonging
A time for wondering
A time for gratitude
A time for blessing

Hmm. Maybe a little long, but I like framing worship in a way that is accessible and participatory...and different.

I also would love to engage our adults in a faith formation series that included a writing of a statement of faith just like we ask confirmation students to do.

What else. Hmmm. The idea of boards and commissions becoming spiritual communities....there is a book about that, I think. I don't know it.

I just wanted to remember these thoughts.
On to supper, and then meeting.

Peace to you!

a Monday day.

So, Mondays are my day off.
Today, I allowed myself to sleep in, as I didn't sleep well in the night. I didn't get up until after 9!
Then, I cleaned the kitchen,
ate girl scout cookies and coffee for breakfast...
read a book about being a suicide survivor,
resisted the urge to check work email/do work...
walked Venus Las Vegas,
did an errand...
sketched,
thought about rolling out some tiles,
talked to God,
petted Lucky,
decided to read a novel,
then my beloved called because the red line train was stopped and could I come downtown and find her?
so, I did.
Got caught in traffic.
Found her at Tremont and Park.
Got lost going back,
so took the long way through Kendall Square (don't even ask how I ended up there)
Dropped beloved off at work,
Went to grocery store...
thought about exercising,
Made italian vegetable soup instead...and tuna salad for lunch tomorrow...
thought about doing some work,
breathed,
and blogged instead.

I need to remember that Sabbath is rest.
Just however that happens,
but the important thing is to
allow myself not to produce.
Not to create, if I don't feel like it...
but just be in my skin.
However that unfolds.

So, as unmonumentous as today has been,
however mundane it has been...
It has been a gift.

As the sun sinks behind the houses across the street..
and the shadowed branches of the leafless trees silhouette my windows,
this pause is just to say...
dear sweet One,
I am grateful for this day.
Truly.
Indeed.
Amen.

The feast of heaven.

so..
it has been a thoughtful week in ministry.
I coordinated the worship service last Sunday to include the participation of children, and it was a big hit. I was chafing a bit, because it was still a traditional service, and frankly too long for children. However, the parts the children did--acting out scripture, leading the Psalm, writing the prayer of thanksgiving was wonderful. I know the adults loved it, but the question is, what did the children experience? How did they feel?

Then, Tuesday, I celebrated monthly communion a the nursing home. The group this month was not as conversant as they can be...more of the people in their little worlds than usual. In any case, it was hard--it made me wonder, what is "age appropriate, developmentally relevant" worship for the nursing home population that I serve?


The best thing, though, is when I was serving communion, and I placed the host on one woman's tongue, and she looked at me and said, "What the hell is this?" and I stopped, and said, "Well, it's the bread of life" and she said, "it has absolutely no taste" to which I responded, "hmmm. Yes. you are right. It is supposed to be the feast of heaven, but I suppose this doesn't taste like it." She spit it out.
It was an honest, alive, real moment.
And,
it made me think.

God of the table,
Love at the feast,
Help me remember
the moment,
the honest truth,
and be faithful
in relevance,
respect,and practise.
Amen.

It is snowing

...again. The third time this week. and it is March 1. My beloved and I had decided to go on a day trip today to SOMEWHERE. But now, it is grey and white and wet and slushy and not a great day to sightsee. Movies, I think we will do. Or...just home reading books. Who knows. Everybody but me right now is still snuggled up in bed.

So, on to writing my homily for tomorrow.

Then maybe, if I hurry, I can go back to bed, too! ;-)

Leapin' Lizards....RGBP Friday Five

Songbird and willsmama over at RevGals leapt into this one! I don't know if I have any thoughts on this, so I think I will just go for it and see what happens....
They write:
It's Leap Day!! Whether you're one of the special few who have a birthday only once every four years, or simply confused by the extra day on the calendar, everyone is welcome to join in and play our Leap Year Friday Five.

Tell us about a time you:

1. Leapt before looked
Pretty much any time I jump into water. I close my eyes.

2. Leapt to a conclusion
Hmmmm. Too often to admit.

3. Took a Leap of Faith
Moving to Florida, Moving to New York City, Moving to the South, Moving to New England.....life is one big leap, I think....

4. Took a literal Leap
When I was about eight, my twin sister and I were in a three legged race, and at first, we were sort of stumbling, but(instead of falling on our faces)we leapt into a perfect spring and we blew the rest of the third graders out of the water. I will never forget that feeling of being in perfect connection with her...it was exhilarating!

5.And finally, what might you be faced with leaping in the coming year?
Well, I am feeling out of kilter for an array of reasons--personal grief over my nephew's suicide, and professional stress. So, being diligent and open and honest about self-care and focus is going to be key...living my life instead of it living me.

New Mercies

I woke up incredibly stressed and tired today, clutching my blackberry and pushing the snooze button every five minutes.
Then, I rolled over, closed my eyes, and breathed...
and sang this in my heart:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
God's mercies are new everyday,
They are new every morning,
New every morning,
Great is thy faithfulness, O God,
Great is they faithfulness.

I breathed some more,
closed my eyes, and prayed to be open to new mercies today.
I felt something heavy and soft on my chest..
and opened my eyes to see Callie touching me with her paw.

new mercies indeed.
Amen.

Lost

You know, there are days when you just don't know where you are.
In your heart,
In your work,
In your administrivia,
In your ministry,
In your life.

Come find me, Holy One.
I think I am a little lost.
I will wait for You.
Amen.

pleeeeeeze

I hate this commercial on t.v. where people are chanting "Who stole a cookie from the cookie jar" and someone answers, "I stole the cookie from the cookie jar....and I lost 5 billion pounds on the COOKIE DIET."

Cookie friggin diet?

Can someone explain, pleeeze?

Heavenly Friday Five

This is my play on the RGBP Heavenly Friday Five
What is your idea of a heavenly (i.e. wonderful and perfect):
1. Family get-together
I think a heavenly family get together is a giant hike and picnic lunch, just being together and enjoying creation. In my greater family, it's simply being gathered together in my sister's living room, parents, sisters, spouses, children, dogs, cats, a music concert on t.v., and a million conversations going and laughing.
2. Song or musical piece
Anything by Patty Griffith, anything on hammered dulcimers, anything by Allison Krauss, and Barber's Adagio for strings.
3. Gift
Shoes. Books.
4. You choose whatever you like-food, pair of shoes, vacation, house, or something else. Just tell us what it is and what a heavenly version of it would be.
Shoes. Books. Any version of aforementioned is heavenly. Of course, right now at this point in a New England Winter, a week on a private beach somewhere warm and sunny and tropical sounds divine.
5. And for a serious moment, or what would you like your entrance into the next life to be like?
What, from your vantage point now, would make Heaven "heavenly?"
hmmm. Heaven heavenly? I don't know. Perhaps that those who suffer so much here from violence, pain, war, injustice, hunger--especially children and mothers and elders--would experience the sweetness of belonging and mercy and love and justice.

Journey to Emmaus

At the end of our Lenten Bible studies,
we celebrate communion. It is very low key, and we just sort of do it off the cuff. (Hey, probably the way Jesus did it the first time, huh?). So, I used the story of two travelers walking the road to Emmaus, and meeting the stranger, and in the breaking of bread together, they realized it was Jesus.
My colleague was looking at me strangely...(not sure if the story was approved)
but I really love that story. It seems so fitting for the celebration of communion. I have been looking for a good liturgy, for worship, that incorporates that story, but haven't found one. Guess I will need to write my own.

I have been on my own journey to Emmaus, these days...recounting the events of the past month, even year, but especially month...and there have been countless holy encounters with people I hardly know. I also realize, as I walk, how attentive, extra attentive I need to be to self care. I am not doing a great job at that...and that is nuts.

So, my prayer is for attentiveness and attending
to this person, me, that you have created, Holy One.
Circle me with your love,
Illumine me...help me be gentle, with me...
It sounds so self absorbed...but I know I need to fight that...
and simply take care, take care, take care.
Amen.

Lucky buns

So Lucky is our oldest cat. He was almost named Bullet, because he was found by the side of the road, shot by someone who I guess didn't want him sleeping in his hay in the barn any more (Hey, wait, aren't barn cats good for like, keeping the barn mice population under control???) I digress. A wonderful, skilled vet saved his life, but had to leave the bullet in him. You can feel it. Anyway, that was years ago, and Lucky has lived to the ripe age of 13 or 14 (not exactly sure). He is snow white with blue eyes (you can only see him curled up in the picture). He has become a bit senile the past few months, and walks around the house with a dog toy or sock stuffed in his mouth, meaowing, which is muffled, and sounds more like a trumpet. He walks in circles doing this. Is he hiding his babies? His prey? I don't know, but it is the funniest sound, and I love that he does that. He is the crabbiest, loudest, sweetest old man cat here.

and speaking of rocks....

So, for children's time, the Sunday after the women's retreat, I decide to talk about Psalm 18:6, where the Psalmist says "God is my rock and my refuge". I wonder out loud with the kids, "hmmmm. I wonder what that means--God is my rock? How can God be like a rock?"
Well, their wondering went flat...mostly I think because these children in this parish haven't really been offered the possibility of different images of God,besides "our Father" and Jesus. All and good, I say, but whoah--so many more in the Bible! Back to the point--I encouraged them to wonder this thought with their families, in the car, at bedtime. It was clear this was a new concept--God as a rock!
Well, the next day I get an email from a member, who said she was doing her spiritual duty to engage in conversation with her child. It went like this:
"Honey, do you want to talk about what Pastor Karla said in church, about God being like a rock?"
"Nope, I already know"
(at this point, mom noted that a little hubris is normal in a six-year old, and I should foster her self-confidence but also maintain my place as a spiritual teacher)
"Well, can you tell me honey?"
Honey replies matter of factly, "You know how a lot of rocks have crystals inside them that we can't see? Well, God is like the crystal inside of all of us."

Guess who is the real spiritual teacher in this family!

Stones on the Road

So, a week ago, I led our church women's retreat. It began with registration around
4:00 (read wine and cheese hour between the lines, because I missed that but will make note of that next year) Dinner at 6:30, and then a group gathering that night, followed by more wine and cheese into the wee hours of the night. We had 40 women at this lovely retreat center in our city, which made it possible for some women to attend only Friday evening; and others only Saturday. I completely overplanned, but it was o.k. It was the best retreat ever...because it
EMERGED and EVOLVED in the way it needed to.
I provided a gentle structure,
and women were able to move around it in the way they needed.

So, Friday evening, we built cairns in small groups, marking where God's presence had been with us lately, like the Israelites....and the parting of the river as Joshua led them into the promised land, where they built a cairn/altar of twelve stones from the river bed they passed through to Gilgal.
After sharing, we brought the cairns back to the altar space in the middle of the room, and had a meditation...silent, and then lit candles for prayers, and sang the Tallis Canon in round. It was very lovely.

Saturday morning, I plans to continue this theme, but since we had 40 women, three generations of fabulous ladies, someone said, can we just sit in one large group, and share about ourselves--our names, a little something of who we are, and how we ended up in this church? Even though a 40 person sharing time sounded like a nightmare to me, we went with it. What magic! What blessing! That Holy Spirit sure does work wonders, huh?

We continued with the stone theme thru the afternoon...and pack-up and left. Our church isn't that big,so to have 40 women was to have about 1/3 of the church present.

It was wonderful...and I just want this post to be my stone of remembrance and gratitude for that time, so I can return to it (especially in the lean, wilderness times of ministry).

So, I set my stone here as remembrance.
Amen.

Lenten Friday Five

So here is RevGals Friday Five....I haven't played for awhile, so here is my short play before I run off to something else:

1. Did you celebrate Mardi Gras and/or Ash Wednesday this week? How?
hmmm...yep, on Fat Tuesday I had some nice yummy pasta and a lovely glass of wine. We had a lovely service in my congregation for Ash Wednesday, which included flash paper, candles, pyrotechnics, and ashes. The confirmation class (all boys) enjoyed it. I got to spend some time with some people that I haven't had the opportunity to get to know much before, so it was nice.

2. What was your most memorable Mardi Gras/Ash Wednesday/Lent?
I loved Mardis Gras when I was teaching, as our music teacher was big into celebrating Mardis Gras with lots of drumming and wonderful music....then in my department we would always fold up a banner of Alleluia and place it in a trunk to discover at Easter. Another great Mardis Gras was when I was a college chaplain, and I ordered 300 Krispy Creme donuts and told the students to come to chapel, grab a donut, and enjoy the next 30 minutes just playing (rather than having required chapel). They loved it, and I loved it!

3. Did you/your church/your family celebrate Lent as a child? If not, when and how did you discover it? Are you kidding? I grew up a staunch Lutheran in the Plains states. We went to Lent services every Wednesday night, and would get a ticket. If you had five tickets out of 7, you would get a pin--a cross, a fish, a dove, whatever. I had a whole collection throughout the years. Crazy, huh?

4. Are you more in the give-up camp, or the take-on camp, or somewhere in between? Probably in between. I have done both for a discipline...and it is a great practise.

5. How do you plan to keep Lent this year? Well, I am not giving up or taking on....but I hope to be mindful. We are studying the parables for our series, so I will immerse myself in those stories of Jesus...but personally, my plan is to remember to do the lovingkindness meditation at least once, daily. I guess that is taking on, huh?

On a personal note, thanks for kindness and prayers expressed on my earlier posts about my nephew. Thank you. Blessings and peace and joy to you.

...to whatever makes me love you more....

So...
there are some that would say "God called Aric home".
Excuse me, but how f---d is that?
What does that say about God? That...God who so loved the world would invent bi-polar disease, make an amazingly good guy miserable with mania and the depths of depression...make him feel so miserable and tragic and desperate and desolate and excruciatingly in pain that the only escape
was to hang himself with his mother's belt in the garage so that he could be released from the pain.
Did God tell Aric to go kill yourself so you can come home to heaven, honey?
Was that what God said would make Aric love him more...if you would just kill yourself for me? Was that the sort of love that God called Aric to?

Am sorry if I don't buy that crap, but this isn't the God I know.

I think Aric's unfully diagnosed disease is what killed him.

Open Wide the Door

I haven't been blogging this month, because I have been away in the upper plains state the past two weeks.
You see, on January 15,
my 19 year old, gifted, talented, wonderfully beloved nephew hung himself in his mother's (my sister's) garage.
This suicide has blew us all to pieces.
There is so much to say about the experience...and yet I have no words. Right now, at least....
and yet life goes on, time keeps passing....

Aric had a tatoo on his back. A picture of wooden doors open, with a prayer: "Open wide the door, to whatever makes me love You more."

People have been abundant in generousity and kindness...

I am struck, too...at how many people's lives, families...have suicide death in them.

I hate the word suicide...the way it sounds...is what it is.

So.
Back to planning a women's retreat that I am leading tomorrow.

I will unpack more of this later.

just today

...today is my beloved and my 5th anniversary. How wonderful is that? I am in awe that through all of the life circumstances, job changes, major move, and the challenges that committed, married relationships offer, that I can't imagine life any other way, with any other person. It's like we have known each other forever...and yet, every day is new and great and comfortable and exciting. What a blessing.
Deep gratitude all the way down. Amen.

Sunday Morning

I got up early...
cleaned the kitchen, fed one dog and several cats...
checked my email, a couple of favorite blogs...
I really got up early to meditate...and then tweak the words on the paper written for the reflection this morning in worship.
I am tired, God...
and feel quite uninspired...it has been a juggle this past week...a houseguest since before Christmas..everybody else "off" and me not really "off" but trying to do it all...and January is going to be busy...and full of a lot of decisions--family or work...every weekend.
But for now, I will stop complaining...It's good to name my apprehensions...and to lay them at Your feet...because I know you won't forget or ignore them...and I might.
I pray for your grace and mercy to drape round my shoulders today...
I pray for your light to gently shine and touch us all...
and may these words of my mouth, and meditations of my heart
offer what needs to be offered today.
In your love, I rest and pray,
Amen.

Reasons Why Beer is Better than Being a Christian

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't
think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on
people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake,
hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a
second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie
to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are
groups to help you stop.

cold and homeless and I don't feel safe to help....

So, I am sitting in my office at church and am the only one here. I am working on my sermon and other things...and the doors are locked--to my office, and outside. The church, although in a nice part of town, is at the intersection of many bus stops and through routes, and next to a park, so we get some traffic from people seeking assistance. It is also a bitter cold rainy wintery day. This young man, outside my window, is trying to get into the door that really isn't ever open. So we talked through my window. He said he was looking for help...and I said I couldn't help him right now. I told him he could come back for AA later on. He wanted the "preacher" (obviously I WASNT the preacher, b/c I wouldn't let him in). He asked if there was a library, or if he could at least come in. He was cold, and I don't blame him. I pointed him to the public library. As the only person here, and as a woman, I just didn't feel safe. I know that most transient people are not dangerous, but I just couldn't let him in to hang out. I feel guilty...in spite of knowing it was the right thing to do--I have done this in the past, but this was the worst weather ever I have had to turn someone away. It feels even hypocritical to offer a prayer for him...but God, please...forgive me...and help him find warmth on this day.
Amen.

Auld Lang Syne Friday Five

So, it's time to reflect and ponder...for RGBP Friday Five. So...for 2007, five memorable moments. Bonus points for God sightings.
1. Getting offered two positions in one day, while walking a labyrinth in a cold and icy parking lot. CRazy.

2. Visting the vortexes in Sedona. Thought they would be more mystical, but the heat was pretty unbearable. Still pretty happy to have been there. Also, getting to go to Durango at Thanksgiving was cool too. LOVE the west.

3. Recently, (this is going to sound nuts, I know), I was so very, very restless. I couldn't do anything until I restrung some strings on my harp and found the damn tuner. The tuning key didn't turn up til a day later, and I was practically crawling the walls...it was like the harp was calling, calling, calling to be played. (please understand, I have been on hiatus from harp playing for like, five years). When I finally got it strung and tuned, I played over and over for hours over several days. My restlessness turned to calm....now, my harp stays close, next to my desk, so I can play whenever she calls. Or when I am restless. There is a God-sighting in there, I believe. A lil' being like the HOLY SPIRIT?

4. Learning to knit from my 93 year old friend Miriam. She is really good at knitting and teaching. She rocks my world! I also learned to make beaded crochet rope necklace from a woman named Lillian who owns a beadshop a town over. Man, that place is just like a little church--people come everyday to bead, and they share their troubles, their joys, their hopes....something to be said about the crafting community.

5. The death of Annie, our adopted retired guide dog, was memorable, becaues she made such an impact on our lives for the six months she lived with us, and she died so gracefully. I wrote about that earlier in the blog, but I don't know how to link that. What a gift she was!


6. I think the RevGalBlogPal community is pretty memorable. Haven't been able to dig in as much as I would like, but there is a lot of amazing folks in this community.

Peaceful blessings to all this New Year. With our world in so much tumult, people we know in places of danger and war, with a sense of powerlessness and being overwhelmed, may we all push ourselves and those we love and serve to step out and shout out and wage peace for those who know none.

sometimes...

you just want to stand at the window and howl.
I'm just sayin'

Friday Five...for RGBP

RevHROD shares this Friday Five. I haven't played in a long time...so I am taking time out from shoveling the white stuff to have some fun!
1.What was one of your favorite childhood gifts that you gave? I remember saving up to buy my mom this bottle of perfume at the drugstore that had a little black velvet cat for the top. I just loved it...not so sure mom did!

2.What is one of your favorite Christmas recipes? Bonus points if you share the recipe with us. Lefse, lefse, lefse. It is a Norwegian bread--sort of like a potatoe flat soft tortilla that you slather with butter and brown sugar and roll it up. I don't have a recipe, and I have never made it--you need a special griddle. Maybe next Christmas.....

3.What is a tradition that your family can't do without? (And by family, I mean family of origin, family of adulthood, or that bunch of cool people that just feel like family.)Growing up, we always went to church at 5:30, then home for lutefisk (codfish soaked in lye, then you boil the hell out of it til it looks like a flaky mass of wiggly white gel and then you pour clarified butter and salt and pepper and let it slide down your throat when you eat it.)and lefse and other wondrous white norwegian foods. After supper, we would have to wash every dish, and wait for my mom to freshen up in the bathroom. Then we would read the nativity story and sing Silent Night (I don't know why we did this. We weren't all that religious, just lutheran! It was the only time of the year we opened the bible at home!) and then we would open presents. After presents we would gorge on christmas cookies and milk.

My family of adulthood makes every effort NOT to have lutefisk on Christmas eve.


4.Pastors and other church folk often have very strange traditions dictated by the "work" of the holidays. What happens at your place? So far I haven't found anything strange...my colleague was cleaning wax out of the candlelabra and made a big mess in the kitchen to the chagrin of the church administrator. I laid low for that one. Don't know if that is an annual thing or not, but I am pretty sure he had more urgent things to do....

5.If you could just ditch all the traditions and do something unexpected... what would it be? One year I made an alternative advent wreath that actually was really beautiful. It started out with giant pillar candles at different heights on blocks of wood surrounded with twigs and stones on top of this lovely iridescent bluey-purply fabric that I bought in the fabric districtin NYC. Each week I added different greens, more interesting stones, culminating in a lush, fresh Advent wreath garden. The liturgy was pretty cool, too. It was my first year of ministry, and my colleague let me go for it...even though we didn't use the traditional wreath on the stand, people really seemed to appreciate something different. I would love to do that again....

On a personal level, a trip to Hawaii is sounding pretty good right now....

taking charge....

I am really cranky and unsettled these days. I wish it had everything to do with hormones, but it doesn't. I am too busy, I am doing to much administrivia, and I am not creating. I am not doing what I am good at in my work; and after I finish what is expected, there isn't much energy left to muse, to wonder, to connect to Spirit...
and that is wrong. I am not unhappy, but I am not necessarily fulfilled.

It occurs to me, though, that things might not change much. But I don't have to adapt so much in such a way that it kills my spirit. That's wrong, and not good for anyone.

I have to take charge of what I have to offer. And find ways that reflect some room for movement and growth in all of us. No one is going to make that space...I just have to start the carving it out of some of the minutiae (minutia?)(sp? is that even a word? I think I have heard it, just not seen it....hmmm.)

So, last night, I took some time to play my harp. Today, I am going to visit my 93 year old friend, and we are going to knit together. Then, I am going to visit baby C and her five week old self. And then, only then, if I have time, will I do administrivia. If not, it can wait.

Take charge, girl! No one is going to do that for ya! Listen for the Spirit leading you to exactly where you are. Listen for the wisdom, the strength, the challenge, and the grace.
Amen.

homage to my '95 hippie honda

wow. I have known you for over seven years...paid cash for you in North Dakota and drove you down to North Carolina for my first call. You played hours of Harry Potter on the cd player so I wouldn't fall asleep. On my ordinatin weekend, Yeong Mee blessed you with her brand of backing up which was accidentally going forward and ripping up your front bumper on a mountain boulder. In a couple of months, I dented your door in a hospital parking lot running into a safety pole. You didn't seem to mind.

We have gone everywhere. You have carried all kinds of stuff in your handy hatchback~`my harp, my djembe, my dogs, my cats, my family, my friends..... You have been my travelling office and the family u-haul from NC to Boston.

You didn't mind it when I put all kinds of bumper stickers that revealed MY political leanings, my love for the rainbow and outdoors. You even didn't mind having Jesus on your dashboard for the past year.

But now, it is time...you have trouble starting sometimes, and your airbag status is iffy, at best. Please don't take it as betrayal. I know someone will love you as much as you have been loved by me...and it is just time.

I will miss you, my dear champagne hippie honda wagon. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your faithful service. Go in peace.

it is cave time...

Jan Richardson writes about advent being "cave time" in one of her brilliantly illustrated books.

I feel like I am in a cave, somewhat....not really gestating anything, though...but more just waiting in the dark for some kind of light to flicker, or an ember to glow so that I can be more illumined, enlightened.
Cave time is good,I suppose,
but in this dormant stage
I don't feel all that creative...
or energized.
I suppose that's because I am in the cave...and all I need to do is be here for awhile.
just breathe,
give in to the cave time
and let it speak to me...
rather than me trying to control it or make is something that it isn't.

Visit me, O Holy One...
I wait for your coming in the shadows.
Amen.

a thousand splendid suns

...big exhale.
I just finished this book..and it was hard, hard, hard read...even more so than kiterunner. It was beautiful, wrenching, convicting, revealing...and hard.
I just am glad to have finished it...
and realize how much we need to be thinking of the human side of war...of the women and children and weak who are the helpless victims....
sigh.
quiet inside my heart this day.
lead me God.
amen.

rainy days and tuesdays and life, randomly

*Today is raining, raining, raining--a Gray Day in November here in Beantown.

*A phone line, power line or some kind of line was down on my car in the driveway as I dashed out the door to make an appointment at 10:30 across town. I decided to live on the edge and back the car away from it, praying that I didnt' get zapped. Obviously, I didn't. I called the power company, but they said it wasn't a power line. I asked them to check, anyway.

*I have done "yogamazing" podcasts the last four days in a row. I love that Chaz and his Tennesee accent coaxing his viewers into "downward dog"--your best friend. My body is feeling more loose, thank God.

*Yesterday, I had PMS depression from hell. It hit me like a brick. Totally gone today. Weird.

*A saint died this morning. He was 96, and a member of this church for 62 years. I didn't really know him all that well, but there is a great collective sadness and gratitude for his life around here. I know there is great celebrating in the heavens today for the humility and beauty of his good life.

*I received a gift of three hours today. The bible study I was going to cover for my colleague was cancelled. I am secretly (not so secret, since I am blogging about it) relieved. I have a few things I need to focus upon.

*My beloved and I are thinking to buy a new house. Across the street. But we don't want to get ripped off on the selling price. Our financial advisor says, be careful.
The house is just like ours, except very beautiful. I don't know what we will do. We could live there forever; but it will bind me even more geographically--not that I am going anywhere, soon...my beloved will retire from where she is employed. I will definitely NOT retire from my present situation. Just sayin'.

*Venus Las Vegas, my border collie sheltie wants her own blog. I think she sees it as an activity to keep her occupied til spring when the squirrels come back out again and she can resume chasing them. I told her she needed to pass a typing test, first.
She said, "Bring it On!"

*Lunch is over. 6 points. (yes, I signed up for WW AGAIN!)

*So, time to put my newfound time to use.

*It's still raining. raining. raining.

Newsflash! Big, Fat, Black Hole!

This just in from the Harvard Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics

(My thoughts: 1)Who knew black holes were thought to be so gorgeous, and 2) There is a sermon in here some where, and 3) I don't understand about 3/5 of below, but it sounds cool...)

Massive Black Hole Smashes RecordCambridge, MA - Using two NASA satellites, astronomers have discovered a black hole that obliterates a record announced just two weeks ago. The new black hole, with a mass 24 to 33 times that of our Sun, is the heftiest known black hole that orbits another star.
The record-breaker belongs to the category of "stellar-mass" black holes. Formed in the death throes of massive stars, they are smaller than the monster black holes found in galactic cores. The previous record holder for largest stellar-mass black hole is a 16-solar-mass black hole in the galaxy M33, announced on October 17.

"We weren’t expecting to find a stellar-mass black hole this massive," says Andrea Prestwich of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics in Cambridge, Mass., lead author of the discovery paper in the November 1 Astrophysical Journal Letters. "We now know that black holes that form from dying stars can be much larger than we had realized."

The black hole is located in the nearby dwarf galaxy IC 10, 1.8 million light-years from Earth in the constellation Cassiopeia. Prestwich’s team could measure the black hole’s mass because it has an orbiting companion: a hot, highly evolved star. The star is ejecting gas in the form of a wind. Some of this material spirals toward the black hole, heats up, and gives off powerful X-rays before crossing the point of no return.

In November 2006, Prestwich and her colleagues observed the dwarf galaxy with NASA’s Chandra X-ray Observatory. The group discovered that the galaxy’s brightest X-ray source, IC 10 X-1, exhibits sharp changes in X-ray brightness. Such behavior suggests a star periodically passing in front of a companion black hole and blocking the X-rays, creating an eclipse. In late November, NASA’s Swift satellite confirmed the eclipses and revealed details about the star’s orbit. The star in IC 10 X-1 appears to orbit in a plane that lies nearly edge-on to Earth’s line of sight, so a simple application of Kepler’s Laws show that the companion black hole has a mass of at least 24 Suns.

There are still some uncertainties in the black hole’s mass estimate, but as Prestwich notes, ”Future optical observations will provide a final check. Any refinements in the IC 10 X-1 measurement are likely to increase the black hole’s mass rather than reduce it.”

The black hole’s large mass is surprising because massive stars generate powerful winds that blow off many Suns worth of gas before the stars explode. Calculations suggest massive stars in our galaxy leave behind black holes no heavier than about 15 Suns.

The IC 10 X-1 black hole has gained mass since its birth by gobbling up gas from its companion star, but the rate is so slow that the black hole would have gained no more than 1 or 2 solar masses. "This black hole was born fat; it didn’t grow fat," says astrophysicist Richard Mushotzky of NASA Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Md., who is not a member of the discovery team.

The progenitor star probably started its life with 60 or more solar masses. Like its host galaxy, it was probably deficient in elements heavier than hydrogen and helium. In massive, luminous stars with a high fraction of heavy elements, the extra electrons of elements such as carbon and oxygen “feel” the outward pressure of light and are more susceptible to being swept away in stellar winds. But with its low fraction of heavy elements, the IC 10 X-1 progenitor shed comparatively little mass before it exploded, so it could leave behind a heavier black hole.

"Massive stars in our galaxy today are probably not producing very heavy stellar-mass black holes like this one," says coauthor Roy Kilgard of Wesleyan University in Middletown, Conn. "But there could be millions of heavy stellar-mass black holes lurking out there that were produced early in the Milky Way’s history, before it had a chance to build up heavy elements."

This release is being issued jointly with NASA


Image 1:This artist's conception shows the biggest stellar-mass black hole (upper left), which weighs 24 to 33 times as much as the Sun. It is pulling gas from a companion Wolf-Rayet star (lower right). Experts say the black hole was "born fat, it didn't grow fat." Credit: Aurore Simonnet/Sonoma State
Image 2: This close-up from the artist's conception shows gas spiraling into the heftiest known solar-mass black hole. The gas heats up and emits X-rays, which allows astronomers to deduce the black hole's presence. Credit: Aurore Simonnet/Sonoma State University/NASA

Daisy and Tikvah

These poodles want their own blog, since Tanner got his own and is a revgalpetpal. Maybe when they wake up I will teach them to use the computer. See how nice they are being to Barley? Sharing the blanket? That happens about once every 232 days.

Friday Five Interviews....

Over at RevGals, Mother Laura has posted an intriguing Friday Five, "Interviews". Here is my play:

1. What was the most memorable interview you ever had? Two come to mind. First, several years ago, I was interviewing at an institution for a chaplaincy position. I wasn't out at the time, but had progressive views on GLBT ordination, rights, etc. The interviewer, trying to intimidate me, asked me point blank if "I was one" Shocked, I said, "are you asking me if I am a lesbian?" The person smugly sat back and said, "yes". I was flabbergasted, so much so, when my escorts picked me up, and asked me how it went, I just blurted out the experience. As I went off to my next appointment with a group of people, they went straight to the CEO of the institution. Of course there were profuse apologies, and I think they were skeered I would sue. I was outrageously and deeply shocked at the interviewer's hate and sense of control and power

The second was for my present ministry. It was my second interview, they asked for several presentations. It was pretty rigorous...but in the two hours we were together, the experience was grounding, real, honest--for me, and the committee. It felt like communion. Driving home, I felt so integrated, and it was the turning point in the process for all of us. It was pretty amazing.

2. Have you ever been the interviewer rather than the interviewee? If so, are you a tiger, a creampuff, or somewhere in between? I am friendly, pointed, clear....I try to listen alot and then poke between the lines to get a sense if the job and the person are a good fit. I like interviewing people....

3. Do phone interviews make you more or less nervous than in-person ones? I don't get nervous, and I don't mind a phone interview to figure out if the next step in the process is one to take or leap into.

4. What was the best advice you ever got to prepare for an interview? How about the worst? hmmm. Best? Dress for success baby! Look as fabulous as you ARE! Can't think of bad advice....

5. Do you have any pre-interview rituals that give you confidence? Praying, singing, and mediating works for me!

oh YEAH!!!!!!

Doing the Papelbon jig today!
whoo hooo!!!

(pic from boston.com)

word wrangler

Sometimes, writing sermons feels like I am on a wild ride on a bucking bronco. I never know what is going to happen....I am holding on to my hat, swinging my lasso of study, preparation, and the horse is the wild Holy Spirit taking me for a ride as I try to wrangle something that is at least articulate. The process is unbridled, breathtaking, and frustrating. I often get thrown off, and have to dust off my chaps and get back on. My sermon for tomorrow? I am inbetween rides right now, but I will have to jump back on that bucking bronco Sophia at least one or two more times tonight! (my butt is sore!)

I should be writing my sermon on prayer, but...

Every night this week, on my way home from my church, I drive through Boston on the pike and I-93. I love passing by Fenway, and I LOVE the message on the Prudential building.

I have GOT to finish (start?) my sermon today. All I can think about is baseball.

God, be merciful!

Pumpkin/Apple Friday Five (Six!)

Over at RevGals, Singing Owl came up with this FF, which is really six. Here is my play!
1. How did you celebrate this time of year when you were a child? By carving pumpkins, planning my Halloween strategy for trick-or-treating with my friends. How much of the town can a nine year old realistically cover in three hours of gathering free candy? Is a plastic bucket or pillow case better to hold it all? Should we plan drop-offs in the night, so as not to be lugging giant loads of snickers and sweet-tarts and risk dropping them all over the sidewalk?

2. Do you and/or your family “celebrate” Halloween? Why or why not? And if you do, has it changed from what you used to do? It seems there aren't as many trick-or-treaters in our new neighborhood, but we will have the porch light on, a bowl of kitkats and m and m's to share with baby ghouls, and of course, maybe a pumpkin beer or two to celebrate the evening.....
2. Candy apples: Do you prefer red cinnamon or caramel covered? Or something else?
CARAMEL. with nuts. and chocolate.

3. Pumpkins: Do you make Jack O’ Lanterns? Any ideas of what else to do with them?
I love pumpkin soup and pumpkin ravioli, but I would probably used canned for both.

4. Do you decorate your home for fall or Halloween? If so, what do you do? Bonus points for pictures. Do frozen, dead mums count? Or a fake potted plant of unidentifiable golden blooms I got for 75% off at Michaels? Devil ears on the poodles?

5. Do you like pretending to be something different? Does a costume bring our an alternate personality? Yes. and yes. It is fun to dress up and just bring out a part of ourselves that sometimes we don't know is even there. One time I played a fortune teller, and had so much fun telling fortunes, I wished I could do it full time. However, there is that piece of actually knowing how to do it, or being called to that, which...well, I will stick to my present call of pastoring!

Bonus: Share your favorite recipe for an autumn food, particularly apple or pumpkin ones. I don't have a recipe, but again, I might say that fresh pumpkin ravioli with marinara sauce is a delicacy one shouldn't miss!

holy sister half-way around the world!

This is my holy sister, Yeong Mee....
When I was doing my MDIV, she was working on her doctorate in hebrew bible with Phyllis Trible at Union.
We, Yeong Mee, and I were best of friends. She got me through Hebrew, Greek; and the footnotes of my thesis (God Bless her). We would walk dogs together in Riverside Park and spend our $1 for a bagel and coffee at the stand on the corner and have breakfast together most mornings. We would study all day, and then order in pizza or go out for Indian food. She gave me bim bim bop, and a love for the spicy taste of kimchee. We had LOTS of fun shopping for shoes--at Tops and Harry's and Aerosoles, all on the upper West Side of Manhattan. I had the privilege of participating in her ordination, and she honored me with her words at my ordination. I have lived through her crazy driving--she was the first to baptize my 1995 Honda Wagon with its first dent/rip in the front bumper, accidentally going forward instead of reverse. I love seeing it, because it reminds me of my dear friend, now living in Seoul, and living as a successful academic in a very, very, patriarchal system. Only woman in the department! Yikes. She writes amazing papers and books; she teaches her nephew English; she sends me beautiful fans and paper from Korea. When we talk, it is like we are next door. What a blessing. We encourage one another...always.
I am grateful that time and distance have not diminished the strength of our holy sisterhood. I am grateful that we have an amazing friendship that transcends the pragmatic here and now and rests in the sacred here and now.
Thank you God,
for my holy sister.
Bless her today...and infuse her with your grace, your hope, your courage, your love.
Amen.

ticker

Sometimes,
When I sign on to my blog,
I get distracted by the counter on how much is spent on the Iraq war. That durn thing goes by the thousands.
I just go bonkers.
BONKERS.

Speaking of bonkers, I hate it when people send emails where they capitalize multiple phrases to make a point...too much shouting, and most of the time, I don't THINK THAT IS WHAT THEY MEAN TO RELAY. I dunno. I have a headache from a recent email I just read.

A Saturday nap sounds good right now.

gettin' ready for sunday

so...have a children's time to write, an invocation, a children's worship to plan, for tomorrow. not much, but enough. I have a godly play story to memorize for the children's worship...and it will be fine.

I was struck last week, in collegial meeting, when one person said, I did the associate pastor thing for a few years and hated it, so I started looking to be a solo in a congregation...and am so happy doing this.

whoah. I realize how little credit I give myself sometimes. I always think I need to learn one more thing to be truly prepared to be the solo leader of a flock, but I have to stop and say--wait! I have literally twenty years of experience as a church professional, and seven of those are in sacramental ministry. shoot! I mean dang! What else am I waiting for?

Don't get me wrong. I really, really, really love the work I get to do with children. I loved teaching bible/religion for eight years before seminary, and I loved the four years of youth ministry I did before that. I loved my three years of seminary, focusing on worship and arts and ministry and children's spirituality. my seven years of ministry in three...well, now on my fourth, but two were simultaneous (lest you think I am a short timer) and I really love this work in my new congregation, but I totally know what my colleague meant, too. I think I have been very deliberate in listening to where I have been called...and each place, congregation/campus, chaplaincy, new church start, and now established traditional NE church has been the right place for me. I don't think anyone could be more fortunate than me in the amazing places of ministry I have landed. I have to be honest, though, the part I miss...and have missed in all of them is more involvement in worship, aka preaching, planning the whole of a service. It is funny, ironic, even, the most involved in worship was in my first congregation. In any case, that doesn't mean that can't happen where I am now...I will just need to find my place in all of it.

huh. who knew I was thinking about that this morning? when I sat down to the computer, I was really thinking about the RED SOX and how they pulled it out last night!

Thankful Friday Five...for RGBP

Welcome to the Friday Five!
RGBP writesThis one is going to be veeeery simple: List at least five things (people, places, graces, miracles...) for which you are thankful. You may elaborate as you wish, or keep it simple.

I am grateful for my beloved, and the amazing life we have together....our home, our love, our many critters that make us laugh....

I am grateful for post-season baseball playoffs, which so far are going grrreeat!!

I am grateful for my morning coffee, which was especially tasty this morning.

I am grateful for my dear friend, Yeong Mee, who is an amazing scholar and pastor in South Korea...and for our enduring sister-friendship across the continents. She is a treasure.

I am grateful for all the sounds I hear outside...the traffic, cars starting, birds singing...I love my neighborhood.

I feel especially full of thankfulness, this morning.

out of the park!

this weekend was amazing.
I wrote most of my sermon on Friday, as we had a denominational event all day Saturday. What I wrote wasn't really what I planned on, but I read it to my beloved and she thought it was pretty good, so I kept it. I had not idea, though, where it was going to lead me--the writing, the Spirit, the muse of God!

So, Saturday was so fun because I got to pull out my dusty djembe and drum with a group for the worship service. It was fabulous and delirious. If you have never had the opportunity to learn drumming, and always wanted to, you should. It really sinks into your body and raises your energy....and our leader was terrific. Very gifted in creating community (none of knew each other) and pastorally leading a group of gifted and experienced drummers with those of us that weren't as confident. I just loved it.

Then, I got home around 8, and tried to sit down to write, but my hands and fingers were numb--I sort of overdid it, and it was hard to type. I worked until 10 or so,and I wrote about six sentences...and couldn't go on. I went to bed, quite nervous about not having an end to my sermon, but I was depleted--physically and mentally. So I got up at 4 to finish things up, which it just came together...and I had time to edit it a couple of times, and I felt good.

The passage was Luke 16:19-29--The rich man and Lazarus. Not something easy to preach on--privilege, affluence, the Great Chasm.

So, Sunday was typically busy before worship, greeting people, making coffee for my CE staff, the youth and committed adults were in the large kitchen making 150 lunches for the Common Cathedral (outdoor church for people who are homeless on the Boston Common, my coffee maker broke, things were crazy! I managed ten minutes before service to sling on my robe and stole, but missed the prayers with the choir, OOPS!

The service was great, the music, the liturgy, the announcements..but right before I got up to preach, I got really nervous. I wasn't sure why, the part of preaching I love is the preaching part! But I got up, and started, and realized that the sermon was much more prophetic than pastoral, and it was huge. It was a little scarey! They were with me the whole time, but I really have never felt God's power/spirit as strongly within as I did yesterday. When I finished, I was a little dazed, and after the call to prayer, I was still sort of not ready for the transition, and I couldn't remember how to lead the prayers of the people (someone makes a request, I repeat it in the mike, I say "For this we pray", and the congregation says "Gracious God, receive our prayer"). I was still feeling like either I had hit a home run, or struck out hugely, or just had done a 15 mile hike in New Hampshire White Mountains.

It was sort of funny, because I had to ask my colleague what to do , as I didnt' have my bulletin (Note. To. Self: even if you have done it thousands of times, still have it in your worship folder, printed and BIG)

After the service, I was inundated with people thanking me for the sermon, for prickling their consciousness...it was extraordinary.... retired seminary professors and working moms and pillars of the congregation.....and so I just throw that feedback to the Spirit. Thank you for blessing the words that we wrote together. Thank you for helping me be open. Thank you.

and there is more, because then we went down to the common cathedral, and worshipped there, in the crux of tourists and people who are homeless and people who lived in the neighborhood. We talked about the experience....with the youth...and then back to the church at 4:00 for this great concert of lute, voice and piano--selections from Purcell, Rodrigo, Hayden, and African-American Spirituals.

God is good.